What is the meaning of life? That was all--a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with years. The great revelation had never come. The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark; here was one.
To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

I feel so inadequate
In everyway
I used to feel that I would figure out a way to understand
Why I could never stand up
Under my harsh scrutiny
Why accepting myself
Was so difficult
But I’m growing older
Others around me are settling down
In comfort
In their own versions of happiness
They’re starting to feel content
I’m different, I always have been

I’m starting to feel lost
I have no guide
My goals are dissolving
I’m losing focus

i wish the lsat would die.

It's like I never happened. All these memories, bittersweet and faded, locked away in my heart, in my mind. Which I revisit in dreams. In those quiet moments when I'm still waking up. While taking a test. I remember them all the time.
But I feel forgotten. Like I didn't mean anything. Like I didn't change anything.
Not being wanted makes me feel so helpless.

I have it pretty good. Yes, there is so much emotional turmoil. So much heartbreak and the soul searching never ends. I will never really understand myself. Neither will I understand the people I am attracted to. But I have it pretty good. I have never been ravaged by war or poverty or illness. I am healthy, safe, well-fed. I cannot imagine what it would be like to live under the fear of war. Of losing my possessions. I am so materialistic. What would I do without running water, electricity, my laptop, my shoes, my life? I would adapt. We all do. But I would be so, so unhappy. So lost.
I have realized that I will never be content. Perhaps because I am an immigrant's child. An immigrant who had beautiful dreams that he could never really make his own. Perhaps because my mother lives in me and fulfills her life through me. But I am grateful. I am humbled by the fact that the gods have blessed me with intelligence, strength and luck.
Funny that I don't think I'm very lucky most of the time. But I am, I am, I am. I must remember this moment. But it's pretty hard, isn't it?

It's so hard to forget you
Isn't it memory supposed to get worse
With age?
All relationships
All encounters
All chance meetings
Are at the most
Six degrees away from you.
A constant reminder
Of past blunders
I want to attribute them to youth
But isn't the soul ageless?

Sometimes, right before I wake up, when I'm still in that half-sleepy state, I wonder what this life is all about. I just want to run away from it, because I feel like I'm pursuing all the wrong things. All this useless materialism. Honestly, I believe my generation is obsessed with apocalypse. Being a Hindu, I guess I believe in a sudden abrupt end to this world. Makes leading life so meaningless, no?
It would be so nice, so nice to be able to wake up in an ashram, not plagued with all these worres. The water bill, the six hundred dollars bobby owes me, my crooked teeth, my college debt. Many, many reasons to have migraines.
I wish I could start over. I know I will, I know I'll be reborn in a new body with the same soul. But I wish I could remember, like that little boy from sonar kella. I want to be able to feel the comfort a family while remembering how empty it was before. I guess that's wishful thinking.
Good night and good luck.